Oh Honey…No

Dear American Idol… May 20, 2009

Filed under: what the...? — Amy @ 11:16 am

I’ll admit it.  I’m a sucker for cheezy reality tv competition shows.  Project Runway (it’s a tranny mess!) , America’s Next Top Model (that’s why it’s called Covergirl…because it covers up the man in you), and yes, American Idol.  My favorite part of American Idol has to be the auditions, because who doesn’t like seeing people have their hopes and dreams smashed on national television?  But then I get sucked into watching the rest of the season because I have to know who wins (and it’s also one of missions in life to find out what is in Paula’s cup that she’s always drinking, cuz it aint Coke).  I don’t really care who wins (I’ve never voted for any of them), I just like seeing who wins.  Honestly, most of the people on this show are never heard from again (unless they have a weird guest judge appearance on ANTM *cough*clayaiken*cough*), so it doesn’t really matter who gets confetti dumped on them while singing some horribly cheezy “reach for your dreams” type song.  At least, I never really cared who wins until this season.  Actually, I really just want to see one person lose: Adam Lambert.  So I guess by default, I’m hoping Kris I’m-too-lazy-to-look-up-what-your-last-name-is wins tonight.

Now, if you can look past the awful emo hair, bad guyliner, and atrocious skinny jeans (no member of the male persuasion should ever wear skinny jeans) Adam Lambert can sing.  All season he’s put on some pretty decent performances (if you ignore the weird version of Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire”, which I am pretending never happened).  However, Adam Lambert did the unforgivable last night when he completely butchered a perfectly good Sam Cooke song, “A Change is Gonna Come.”

I tried to find this performance on youtube, but everything has been taken down.  This was the best I could find, and the ending was cut off, so consider yourself lucky for not having to hear the entire song.  So enjoy this still shot of the bad emo hair while you listen to the essence of blasphemy.

No…just no.  The American Idol website said this about his performance: “Simon Fuller requested Sam Cooke’s ‘A Change is Gonna Come’ for Adam Lambert’s second song. Adam was able to show off his tremendous vocal range, and the judges thought this was Adam at his best.” *headdesk*

Dear Simon Fuller,

I don’t know who you are, but what were you thinking?  Right now you deserve to smacked upside the head, along with the judges for praising this atrocity.  And if you’re the one responsible for the week of Queen songs a few seasons ago, you deserve another smack upside the head.

Sincerely, Me

Because of this, I have taken it upon myself to make a list of artists American Idol contestants should stay away from, because whenever they try to sing these artists’ songs I just sadly shake my head and say, “Oh honey…no.”  So here it is, my list of artists whose songs should never be heard from the American Idol stage ever ever ever (feel free to add to this list, as I know there are some people I’ve left out):


Sam Cooke

Whitney Houston

Elton John

Aretha Franklin

Johnny Cash

Ray Charles