Anyone who knows me knows that I hate crocs. I do not care that they are supposedly the most comfortable shoes on the planet; they look like giant clown shoes made out of dried play-doh. Thanks to stumbleupon, everyone’s favorite time waster, I found this comic that made my day.
The Great Jam Thief of 2008 November 20, 2008
I never thought I would be able to say the sentence, “A little old lady stole my jam.” Well, now I can.
So on Saturday, I went to a Relief Society luncheon in Modesto. On each table were two small bowls of butter and jam for the biscuits. My mom and I were sitting at a table with about 5 or 6 other women, chatting and minding our own business while enjoying our bunny food lunch (seriously, this lunch was 2 kinds of salad and a piece of chicken. why do women always insist on serving just salad at relief society activities? i am not a rabbit! give me real food).
Anyways, out of the corner of my eye I saw a hand reaching in between me and my mom. I assumed this was someone who knew either my mom or me, and I thought she was going to tap one of us on the shoulder and say hi. Nope! Our entire table froze, some with forks hovering in the air mid-bite, as we watched this woman reach in, grasp her hand around the bowl of jam, jerk her arm back, and take off. What?! Everyone at our table just kind of looked at each other with “did that really just happen?” looks on their faces. A little old lady stole our jam. And I wanted that jam, too.
She could have asked to borrow the jam. She could have walked across the hall to the kitchen and gotten more jam. But no. She decided to pull some weird Mission Impossible sneak-and-grab move to steal our jam. One thing would have changed this whole situation from awkward to awesome, and that is if she had snuck up on us and started humming her own theme music, a la Kronk in The Emperor’s New Groove.
Marc Jacobs is My Current Favorite Ugly Shoe Designer November 19, 2008
Don’t get me wrong, Marc Jacobs has also designed some fabulous shoes, but occasionally he comes out with shoes that make you want to bang your head against the desk and say, “why? Why?!”
Allow me to present Exhibit A, the wedge tennis shoe:
Some things are great when combined. Peanut butter and jelly. Cookies and milk. You get the idea. However, some things are better left separate. Tennis shoes should never have heels. Ever. Just stash these in the museum of bad ideas along with
Moving on to Exhibit B, the creepy Mary Jane boots:
Normally, I have nothing against Mary Janes (unless they have an ugly heel–Traci turned me into a heel snob). In fact, after watching the movie Penelope I have been wanting my own pair of green Mary Janes.
Anyways, these boots by Marc Jacobs creep me out. Not as much as spiders or Richard Simmons, but they’re still creepy. Why would anyone want a shoe that looks like it has half a leg sticking out of it is beyond me.
Finally, I give you Exhibit C, the backwards heel shoe:
Dear Marc Jacobs,
Oh Dear November 18, 2008
Have you ever been out on a sunny day and thought, “Gee, a hat would be nice right now to keep the sun out of my eyes. If only hats didn’t squish my giant Utah Claw bangs! *sigh*” (No offence to Utahns, that’s just what I call giant bangs) Well, I haven’t thought about this either. But if you have, fear not for salvation has come! Behold, the bang-go hat:
Oh, it gets better. Here is a picture of it while it’s not being worn:
Here’s what the bang-go creators have to say about their product (with a few of my own comments as well), taken from http://www.bang-go.com/:
At first glance the Bang-go cap may seem silly (that’s because it is), but you won’t think so once it’s worn (let me check…wait, wait! nope. it still looks silly). The cap looks like a visor from the front and a baseball cap from the back (so it’s the hat version of a mullet), so much so that is often takes a while before people realize you are wearing something new and different (you know, the people staring at you with a “what the…” expression on their faces).
And most women will discover in a side-by-side comparison, the Bang-go cap is not only more comfortable than a traditional cap, it’s also more flattering (because what’s more flattering than the Utah Claw coming out of your hat?).
Maybe it’s time to change hats and try the one with the hole in front. You too could look great in the curiously comfortable Bang-go cap with detachable visor.
Of course, if you are worried about keeping the sun out of your eyes while at the same time preventing a bad case of hat-hair, you could just get a visor. But apparently visors are cheap and overrated.